Part of our guide on how to handle conflict and difficult conversations at work.

Most disagreements aren’t about the thing they’re about

The argument about the deadline is actually about a perceived lack of respect. The pushback on the strategy is actually about who wasn’t consulted before it was written. The objection to a process change is actually about a botched process change from three years ago that nobody has ever addressed.

Most of us, when we hit resistance, respond to the surface argument. We answer the objection being voiced, marshal facts that address the concern, and are then baffled when the other person isn’t satisfied. The mistake we make when we do this is not that the answer we’re giving is wrong, it’s that our diagnosis of the actual problem is wrong. We’re winning the wrong argument.

A useful move

When a conversation isn’t landing pause and consider, ‘What is this actually about?’

Sometimes it’s the thing on the table, but just as often it isn’t. It’s the last time someone in this role went over their head. It’s the promotion decision from six months ago. It’s the feeling of not being trusted.

None of this makes the surface argument less real. The deadline concern is, after all, still a deadline concern. But if you address only the surface, you’ll keep having the same conversation, in slightly different clothes, for years.

Real influence often starts one layer below the words that are being said. It requires the confidence to name what you think might really be going on, and the humility to be wrong about it.