Why nice isn’t the same as kind

Nice is easy. Nice smooths things over, agrees when it doesn’t quite agree, and lets a colleague keep pitching an idea that isn’t going to fly because the alternative is a slightly awkward conversation.

Kind is harder. Kind tells the colleague the idea isn’t landing, and helps them work out why. Kind gives the direct report the feedback they need to hear, even though the room would be more comfortable without it. Kind says “I don’t think this is the right decision” out loud in the meeting, rather than in the corridor afterwards.

Most workplaces reward nice and rely on kind. The people who get promoted for being easy to work with are often propped up by colleagues willing to have the conversations they won’t. Over time, nice creates drift, and someone eventually has to spend three times as much energy correcting it.

The most useful thing an influence programme gives you is permission. Permission to have the conversations you’ve been avoiding, in a way that respects the relationship rather than tiptoeing around it.

The relationship, it turns out, can usually take it.